What actually happens in mediation, from the first phone call through to an agreement? Arabella Tresilian walks through the enquiry call, the pre-mediation meetings and the joint mediation meeting, step by step.
This is the next video in my #AskAMediator series. It’s for anyone who’s never been through mediation before and simply wants to know what they’d be walking into – a lot of the anxiety people feel about mediation is really just not knowing what to expect, so here’s the process step by step, from the first phone call through to an agreement. If you missed the earlier videos, start with What Is Mediation?
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What happens first – the enquiry call
The process starts with what I call an enquiry call, normally about 30 minutes long. I’ll talk the case through with somebody involved, who gives me a confidential, brief overview of what’s going on. We use that conversation to assess together whether mediation is likely to be suitable, it’s my chance to explain what mediation is and how it works, and we start shaping a process together. Afterwards, I’ll usually send over a fee proposal, and once that’s agreed, we complete a booking form and the process is under way. The person who makes the enquiry call may or may not end up being a party to the mediation — it’s fine either way.
What is a commissioning call, and when does it happen?
In some cases, there’s also a commissioning call. This tends to happen when other, often senior, people are involved who won’t themselves take part in the mediation — HR, a service manager, or a senior director in an organisational case. They’re commissioning the mediation, which means paying for it and making it happen, rather than participating in it.
I like to have one conversation with them before I meet the parties, to understand why the mediation is being commissioned. It’s another chance to assess suitability, to check in on any accessibility needs the parties might have, and to understand what the commissioning organisation is hoping to achieve — so it lets me check that mediation really is the right route.
Why does the mediator want some background before meeting the parties?
To be clear, this isn’t about me as a mediator being influenced in any way — I’m not making decisions or judgments about the outcome, so there’s nothing for me to be swayed by. What it does mean is that I’m not walking into a private meeting with a party with no idea what’s going on, which is far kinder to the parties than it sounds. Sometimes I’ll have received a bundle or some background by the time of the commissioning call, though the enquiry call itself, being earlier, is often quite top-line.
For me, this is about being trauma-informed. I don’t think it should fall to the people in the case to explain everything from scratch before I can understand them. I’d much rather their one-to-one time with me is spent on what’s actually on their mind — their perspective on the case, their questions, and some coaching from me if they’d like it — rather than filling in background.
What happens in the pre-mediation meetings?
Next come the pre-mediation meetings, also known as private meetings, where I meet each party on their own — separate from everyone else involved in the case. A “party” might be one individual, or a group of people who share the same side, perspective or interests.
These meetings have two parts. In the first half, people generally tell me their own perspective — what’s important to them, and what they want to get out of the mediation. In the second half, I talk them through a proposed agenda for the joint meeting. That agenda is always a little different case to case, but over time I’ve developed formats that work well — deliberately positive, upbeat, and designed to make a blow-up in the room very unlikely. I’m not the kind of mediator who says “we’ll thrash it out” — I want people to feel confident, before and during the meeting, that it will be civilised, thoughtful and solution-focused.
Sometimes we need two pre-mediation meetings rather than one — perhaps the first is about what’s happened, and the second about preparing for the joint meeting — but usually one meeting of about 90 minutes covers what’s needed. Once I’ve met everyone, I take time to check with myself that mediation is genuinely going to be productive, trauma-informed, psychologically safe, and the best route for everyone — and I’ll say so if I don’t think it is. Having met everyone also puts me in a useful position: it’s not for the mediator to bring solutions, but by that point I can often start to see where there’s overlap, shared interests, and genuine goodwill on all sides — which tells me we’re ready to plan the joint meeting.
What happens in the joint mediation meeting?
The joint mediation meeting is where the parties — two, three, four, sometimes up to five — come together. Like everything in mediation, the format is flexible: it might be a half day, a full day, or two half days with a gap in between, flexed entirely around what the case and the people involved need.
Most of my mediations focus on everyone being in the room together and talking, rather than shuttle mediation, where the mediator moves back and forth between separate rooms — so typically, we start with everyone together. Partway through, we’ll always build in at least one set of private meetings with each side, to check in, take a break, and recalibrate before moving into the next part of the day. In those private meetings, I might remind people of something they mentioned earlier that they seem to have forgotten, check whether there’s a topic they still want to raise, or coach people on how to move the conversation forward if things feel stuck.
Does the mediator take sides or decide the outcome?
No. Throughout the pre-mediation meetings and the joint meeting alike, the mediator doesn’t take sides, give advice, or decide the outcome. The structure is there to help people be heard and think clearly — it’s not for the mediator, or the process, to arbitrate.
How is mediation adapted to different needs?
Sessions are adapted to whatever people need to take part fully. Interpreters are welcome, Easy Read materials can be produced, we can go at whatever pace works for everyone in the room, and we can attend to sensory or communication adjustments — whatever it takes.
What happens after the joint meeting?
By the end of the joint meeting, the aim is to have reached some agreements to take forward. My job is usually to write those up and circulate them. Where legal matters are involved, the lawyers take those outcomes forward and draft them into something more formal, which may go back to the court if proceedings were already under way, or be shared elsewhere if and as all parties agree. It’s a confidential process throughout, so decisions are only shared with others if everyone agrees — sometimes part of what’s agreed is shared, and the rest stays private between the parties.
That’s the shape of a mediation process, from that first enquiry call through to an agreement. Every case is different, and the process is designed to flex to fit — but underneath all of that flexibility, it’s always built around people’s wellbeing, and around creating a space genuinely focused on finding a way forward.
I’ve noticed, over nearly a decade of mediating, that people only come to mediation because they care about something very deeply, and because something isn’t yet right — and that can be distressing. If you’re in a situation that isn’t sitting well with you, whether you’ve been invited to take part in a mediation or you’re considering it for yourself or others, I hope this gives you a clearer sense of what to expect. Please do [get in touch] if you have any questions.
Arabella Tresilian is the founder of Health and Care Mediation. Find out more or book a scoping conversation here.
