Today I’m answering two different questions in one go. What happens if one party doesn’t want mediation – and separately, what can you do if only one of you wants help at all? If you missed the earlier videos, start with What Is Mediation? and What Actually Happens in a Mediation Process?.
What happens if one party doesn’t want to take part in mediation?
The first thing to know is that mediation is largely voluntary, so it can’t be imposed on anyone — that’s part of why it works, when people do agree to it. (There are exceptions, in certain divorce and commercial contexts, where mediation is something to be explored rather than purely optional — but in most of the cases I work on, voluntariness is taken very seriously.) So when one party doesn’t want mediation, the honest answer is: it can’t go ahead without them, at least not as mediation. But that’s rarely the end of the story.
Why doesn’t the mediator approach the other party to suggest mediation?
People sometimes ask me to take their information and go and get the other party on board. I don’t do that — it isn’t a service I offer. I don’t know how other mediators handle this, but for me, if I were in a disagreement, I wouldn’t want to be approached out of the blue by a stranger, however friendly a mediator they were. I also don’t feel comfortable taking someone else’s contact details and using them without their consent — mediation is very strong on confidentiality and data protection, and that has to extend to how a mediation even begins. So the approach to the other party stays firmly in the hands of the inquiring party. It’s their relationship, and their call how to use it.
How do you help someone get mediation started, then?
I help the inquiring party do the approaching themselves. I give them information they can take to the other side — what mediation is, who I am, maybe a profile or CV — and I supply scheduling links, so either party can book a free, no-obligation 30-minute enquiry call directly into my diary, or a private pre-mediation meeting, without first having to hand over their contact details to me. That way, people take the next step on their own terms, when they’re ready, rather than the process starting with me already holding their information. Feeling in control of that first step matters enormously.
Why do reluctant parties often change their mind?
It’s completely understandable to want to meet the mediator before deciding anything — mediation is a step-by-step process, not a single leap. Very often, someone initially reluctant becomes more willing once they’ve had the chance to learn what mediation actually is: that it’s there to support them, not to scrutinise or judge them. That shift tends to happen especially once they’ve met the mediator, felt heard without judgment, built a bit of rapport, and realised the mediator isn’t going to arbitrate.
What’s the difference between mediation and arbitration?
In arbitration, a decision gets made, and everyone has agreed in advance to go along with it. In mediation, the only agreements that go forward are the ones the parties have reached themselves. Not many people know that distinction, and once they do, it tends to become a genuinely attractive feature — especially set against something more formal, or court, where a decision gets made that everyone then has to live with. Mediation lets people understand each other better and build their own future-focused agreements, rather than having one imposed.
Does mediation get in the way of any formal process that’s already under way?
No — mediation doesn’t stop or replace a formal process that’s already happening. Conversations within mediation are what’s called “without prejudice”: confidential to the mediation itself, and we sign a form, similar to a non-disclosure agreement, confirming that whatever’s discussed stays there. If court proceedings are ongoing, nothing said in mediation can be raised there. It genuinely is a chance to build a trusting space, as far as possible, and see whether people can reach their own way forward.
What if only one of us wants help — does that rule out support altogether?
Not at all. Sometimes the other party has refused mediation outright, or the person enquiring doesn’t actually want mediation themselves, but still wants help resolving the dispute. This is where single-party working — also called conflict coaching — comes in. It isn’t mediation or nothing. As dispute resolution practitioners, there’s a lot we can offer one person alone, and this kind of work is often really rewarding, because it’s about helping someone empower themselves to go and resolve the disagreement on their own terms.
What is conflict coaching?
In conflict coaching, I work one-to-one with a single party, helping them think through their own communication strategy: how they’re currently communicating, where that might shift, how effectively they’re negotiating, whether they’ve thought through what they might offer as well as what they’re asking for. It’s about identifying someone’s existing strengths and building on them, and sometimes simply helping them understand their own conflict management style, and the other party’s, and working with that insight. Where a dispute is genuinely intractable and there’s little room for an individual to change the outcome, conflict coaching shifts toward helping someone recognise and strengthen their own coping strategies — looking after themselves, making the best of the situation, and knowing when to bring in other support.
When does conflict coaching make sense?
It’s a good fit when the other party won’t engage, or isn’t ready to be approached yet, and it can also help someone prepare for a future mediation (typically with a different, fresh mediator for that later stage). Beyond that, it’s simply ongoing support for navigating a difficult relationship or dispute, whether or not mediation ever happens. The foundation underneath it is the same as mediation itself: using communication and negotiation skills to build future-focused solutions. And just like mediation, it’s confidential and non-directive — it isn’t about telling someone what to do. The approach assumes people already have real skill, insight and knowledge of their own situation, and simply offers some additional tools and techniques alongside that.
Wherever you’re at — whether you’re thinking about approaching someone else about mediation, or you want support navigating a conflict on your own — do get in touch. Whatever the situation you’re facing, a way through can usually be found.
Arabella Tresilian is the founder of Health and Care Mediation. Find out more or book a scoping conversation → Enquiry
